I Am Not a Candy Bar

The dating app opener no one asked for, and yet, here we are

Oh boy. She’s back on the dating apps and already regretting it.

I want to talk about something that has happened to me pretty much all my adult dating-aged life, something I was reminded of it yet again when I opened up a Bumble message the other day.

A man called me funsized.

To remind you: I’m 4’11”. I’m aware this makes me smaller than average. Smaller than most people who consider themselves petite, even.

I am not, however, a snack. Or a stocking stuffer. Or an opportunity to dust off your worst material and pretend it’s flirty.

(Well, I am a snack, but—nevermind. Shut up, Shelly.)

More men than I care to count have opened with the word funsized. Not as a joke. Not in passing. As their first message.

“What’s it like to be funsized?”
“You’re funsized, I like that.”
“You’re so cute and funsized.”

Like they’re describing a limited-edition candy bar, not a person.

I always unmatch. Immediately.

Of course I do. There’s no recovery from “what’s it like to be funsized?”
That’s not banter—it’s a red flag wearing Axe body spray.

And I genuinely don’t know what the intended effect is. Are they trying to flirt? Is that what this is? Because I promise you, funsized is not the compliment they think it is. It doesn’t make me feel cute. It makes me feel like I should come in a multi-pack or with a toy surprise.

Maybe they think it’s clever. Like they’re the first person who’s ever noticed I’m short and made a joke about it.

Newsflash: you’re not.

You’re just the latest in a very long, very tired line of men who think they’re being cute when they’re being creepy.

Or maybe—and this is where we veer into the truly unwell—it’s fetishy. There’s a particular tone that comes with it. Not “you seem interesting” or “you’re beautiful.” More like: “I’ve built an entire fantasy around how tiny you are and I’m testing the waters to see if I can say that out loud.”

Which, again: repulsive.

Funsized is what you call a candy bar. Or a mini deodorant. Or something Sephora tricks you into buying by stacking it right before the checkout counter.

Let’s be clear:

Things you can call funsized:

• Halloween candy

• Airplane liquor bottles

• Trial-size toothpaste

• Novelty candles

• One-bite brownies

• Costco samples

Things you cannot call funsized:

• Women

If you think “funsized” is the move, I’m gonna assume you also high-five after sex and call women females.